Most viewed jokes

- Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

- It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

- No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)

- It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.

- Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.

- It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.

- It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.

- You may not drive a black car on Sundays.

- It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

- It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.

- The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.

- It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.

- It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.

- It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.

- Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to school. The next day when the twins each gave there dad the letter he gave them a hiding and sent them to bed.

the next morning the twins got up.

- What do you want for breakfast? - asked there dad, to which one of the twins replied:

- i'll have some of those fucken thanks.

His dad immediately gave the twin a hiding and sent him to bed.

- Now what do you want for breakfast? - the dad asked the other twin.

- Well i won't have any of those fucken thats for sure - the twin replied.

- Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.

- People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.

- Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

- We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

- When you get to the men's room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

- The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.

- You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.

- All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

- I heard you have hair on your chest, and that's not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.

- No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.

- There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

- Sit down and give your mind a rest.

What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm?
→ One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.

- Golfer: Caddy, do you think my game is improving?

- Caddy: Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

- Very well - said the gatekeeper of Heaven.

- But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.

- I know, and that's all right - Satan answered unperturbed.

- We've got all the umpires.

Two astronauts went to a bar on the moon, but they left after a few minutes?
→ You see, it had no atmosphere!

What does an astronaut do when he gets angry?
→ He blasts off!

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside.

When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he discovered that the cabin door was locked, so he knocked.

There was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer.

Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying:

- Who's there?

- FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch?

- PIGLET: Beets me!