Most viewed jokes

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself:

- I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said:

- Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!

Mildred turned to her and said:

- Oh, am I driving?

What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
→ A chain saw has a dynamic range.

What's the range of an accordion?
→ Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

What is a mouse's favorite record?
→ 'Please cheese me'!

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone:

- Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked:

- What do you want?

- Nothing important, sir - the PFC replied - I'm just here to hook up your telephone.

- Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.

- You do look a little pail.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
→ Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me:

- You're next.

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.