Most viewed jokes

At Parris Island, a sergeant was teaching a private to throw a grenade at a pracitice training course. He ran about 10 yards away to be safe, and yelled the instructions.

- Pull the pin, throw and hit the dirt!

The private proceeds to do so, and throws the explosive directly at the sergeant!

A few months later, the sergeant meets the private in a group of men killed in battle. He goes up the the private- no hard feelings because heaven is well, great- and asks him how he 'bit the dust.'

Responds the private:

- Well, i was caught in a ambush; these guys - He thumbs behind him.

- got caught in the jeep under the fire. I managed to make it to a ditch where i yanked a grenade form my belt and pulled the pin and lever. The enemy runs away seeing it, so i put the grenade back onto my belt.

How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ That is a military secret. If I told you I'd have to kill you.

A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port:

- I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do "it" as soon as I step ashore.

The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply:

- I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards.

- Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

- Soldier: Sure, buddy.

- Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

- Soldier: No, SIR!

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

- Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs - snickered one.

- You didn't really do that, did you?

- I'm positive you'd never get through basic training - scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question:

- Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Men are like horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

A man calls his family doctor:

- Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.

- Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help.

- Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

Why did the witch's mail rattle?
→ It was a chain letter.