Most viewed jokes

What do computers eat when they get hungry?
→ Chips.

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads:

- WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:

- NOW THERE ARE TWO!

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

- Where can I buy one? - he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

- I'll take him - says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

- Sure.

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says:

- sorry, bad news.

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

- Can't, spent it already!

- Well... unload the mule then.

- What ya gonna do with him?

- Raffle him off!

- Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!

- Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks.

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

- What did ya do with that dead mule?

- Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit.

- Didn't anyone complain?

- Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
→ To knock the penises off the smart ones.

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her:

- I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife.

- That's true - he replied - as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives.

- How disgusting - she said - you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung.

With a slight grin, he just said:

- Yes, mam I am.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman.

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said:

- ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one.

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out:

- Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!

- Fine - said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

- Great move Einstein! - said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head.

- NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".