Most viewed jokes

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

- I have just the thing - says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

- Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech:

- And what if I swallow it?

- No problem - says the barber.

- Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

What do a moped and a blonde have in common?
→ They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H.L. Mencken

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself.

The boy says:

- What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?

Grandpa replies:

- No sonny, just jacking!

I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted.

I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.

- Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh, really?

- Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give out bloody Mary's."

What do you do when a Blonde throws a grenade at you?
→ Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why don't oysters give to charity?
→ Because they're shellfish.

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.