Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer, a priest and 3 children.
The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes.
The doctor yells out:
- Save the children
The lawyer yells out:
- FUCK THE CHILDREN!
The priest yells out:
- IS THERE TIME?
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying:
- We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again:
- Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
- Grandpa, what are you doing? - he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
- Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? - he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said:
- Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
- I can hardly believe my eyes! - he exclaimed.
- That's the smartest dog I've ever seen.
- Nah, he's not so smart, - the friend replied.
- I've beaten him three games out of five.
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
- This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old.
- Where did you get this exact information?
- I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says:
- So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!
Pointing to the sky, he continues:
- God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.
The priest replies:
- I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims:
- And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks:
- Aren't you having any, Rabbi?
The rabbi replies:
- Nah... I think I'll wait for the police.
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.
The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him:
- You'll never get out!.
He did.
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet:
- I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
- Why, that's amazing! - the doctor said.
- Did you follow my instructions?
The woman nodded:
- I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
- From hunger, you mean?
- No, from skipping.
