Most viewed jokes

Frank Sinatra, "Old Blue Eyes," has died.

Frank will now be known as "Old Closed Eyes."

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

The wife said:

- He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.

The next-door neighbor protested:

- Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.

The wife replied:

- Yes, but who wants HIM back?

Handy guide to modern science:If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.

If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

- This - she said - I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?

- No, madam - replied the attendant.

- That one's called a mirror.

What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
→ Hugh Grant.

Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving. Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

- Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy. - Bill

- Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy. - Hillary

- Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy. - Al

- Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy. - Tipper

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
→ A fur coat.

What do you call a blonde lesbian?
→ A waste.