Most viewed jokes

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added:

- but confidentially, I changed cocks.

The newly pregnant woman responded:

- Confidentially, me too.

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks:

- Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says:

- My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail.

Little Jack says:

- My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better.

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says:

- Johnny, what does your Dad do ?

Johnny says:

- My Dad is dead.

- I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?

- He turned blue and shat on the carpet.

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:

- Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

- You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -- of maximum entropy
OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon
OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic
OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football
OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back
OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.
OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three:

- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.

The others agreed.

Then one said:

- Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed:

- I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.

The second psychiatrist said:

- I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.

The third followed with:

- I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed:

- I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret...

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

- Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

- Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.

What's stiff and excites women?
→ Elvis Presley.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
East German Swim Team Barbie ...a Barbie head on a Ken doll