Most viewed jokes

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
→ The vegetable garden.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
→ So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

Did you hear?

The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.

What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
→ They both wiggle when you eat them.

1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib...baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.
2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don't have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze...or even if you do...baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.
3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the unexpecting admirer... but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.
4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless...baby will find spot.
5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit.
6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today...size 3 on Wednesday...
7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while.
8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee...let's see if the washing machine has eaten today...
9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night...that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws..
10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone else's stash and the clothes look cleaner...just trade...they will probably be too tired to notice...)

Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.

Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Ultimate Law: All general statements are false.

Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.

Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.

Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win.

You can't break even.

You can't quit.

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

Murphy's 3rd Military Law: Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's 4th Military Law: The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphy's 5th Military Law: The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Murphy's 6th Military Law: The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's 7th Military Law: The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's 8th Military Law: Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's 9th Military Law: If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush.

Murphy's 10th Military Law: The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy's 11th Military Law: If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's 13th Military Law: The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.

Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perkin's Postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case.

Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Alan's Law: All things being equal, you lose.

University

To: Professor [ ]
From: [ ]

I think my grade in your course, [ ], should be changed from [ ] to [ ] for the following reasons:

1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
   [ ] Law School
   [ ] Medical School
   [ ] Graduate School
   [ ] Dental School
   [ ] My Fraternity/Sorority
   [ ] The Mickey Mouse Club
   [ ] Tri County Tech
4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in [ ].
5. I'll lose my scholarship.
6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
10. You are prejudiced against:
    [ ] Males [ ] Jews [ ] Blacks
    [ ] Females [ ] Catholics [ ] Whites
    [ ] Protestants [ ] Moslems [ ] Minorities
    [ ] Chicanos [ ] People [ ] Students
11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
    [ ] mono
    [ ] broken baby finger
    [ ] acute alcoholism
    [ ] pregnancy
    [ ] VD
    [ ] fatherhood
13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
16. The lectures were:
    [ ] too detailed to pick out important points
    [ ] not explained in sufficient detail
    [ ] too boring
    [ ] all jokes and not enough material
    [ ] all of the above
17. This course was:
    [ ] too early, I was not awake.
    [ ] at lunchtime, I was hungry
    [ ] too late, I was tired
18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
19. Other

What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
→ Divorcee.