Most viewed jokes

- Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...

I could be eating a slow learner! - Lynda Montgomery

- If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

- Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

And from George Carlin...

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?

Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?

Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?

If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?

If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?

If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?

Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?

Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?

How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?

Why did Helen Keller go insane?
→ She tried to read a stucco wall.

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

- How do they feel? - asks the sales clerk.

- Well they feel a bit tight - replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

- Try pulling the tongue out - the clerk says.

- Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth. (DOH!)

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said:

- How should I know, that's 200 miles from here! and hung up.

Curious, the husband said:

- Who was that?

And his lovely wife replies:

- I don't any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother:

- Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word:

- That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you.

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him:

- What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said:

- A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said:

- Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.

The Lawyer said:

- Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel:

- Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter:

- Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.

What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
→ A smooth operator!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
→ The changing rooms!

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said:

- if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?

- Somebody else's pants.

There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant.
Four fish got battered!