Most viewed jokes

• PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
• APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• SCSI - System Can't See It
• BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
• IBM - I Blame Microsoft
• CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
• WWW - World Wide Wait
• MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
• PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
• COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
• WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
• MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said:

- You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven.

Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.

He said:

- okay. Princess Di?

Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.

Finally he decided:

- Princess Di. You're in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats two of a kind!!!!!

At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in.

The toad says:

- Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis.

- I've told you animals, I can't help you with any big problems - responds the wizard.

- You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz.

So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad.

- Oh wizard, please help me. I was born without a trunk - the elephant begins.

Now the wizard is infuriated:

- Don't you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!

The elephant responds:

- But, wizard how do I get to the Wizard of Oz?

- Oh that's easy - says the wizard.

- Just follow the yellow dicked toad!

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life - not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks:

- What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?

Assistant replies:

- Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.

Pharmacist says:

- He seems to be fine now.

Assistant replies:

- Sure, he is. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells:

- Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?

The panda bear answers calmlly:

- I'm a panda bear.

The bartender says:

- Yeah, so?

The panda bear replies:

- Look it up, and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says:

- Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves.

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

- Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

She yells:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

- What do you mean $200!?!

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.

The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies:

- She choked.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

- Why don't you put your money where your mouth is - he said.

- I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.

- You're on, old man - the braggart replied.

- Let's see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said:

- All right. Get in.

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.

- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.

- Can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.

- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.

- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun essayed.

- Just my sister in New York - he volunteered.

- But she's a spinster nun.

- Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God.

- Really...wonderful - said Smith.

- In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!

- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

- Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

- What do chickens think we taste like?

- What do people in China call their good plates?

- What do you call a male ladybug?

- What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?

- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

- When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?

- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- How is it possible to have a civil war?

- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"

- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s" in it?

- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?