Most viewed jokes

What did King Tut say to the museum?
→ I want my mummy!

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.

- You rotten bastard! - yelled the husband...

- I'm going to kill you!

- Wait! - said Mrs. Jones.

- You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me.

After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims:

- For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!

A man goes to the confessional and begins:

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

- What is your sin, my son? - the priest asks back.

- Well - the man starts - I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.

- When did you use this awful language? - asks the priest.

- I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

- Is that when you swore?

- No, Father - says the man.

- After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

- Is THAT when you swore? - asks the Father again.

- Well, no - says the man.

- You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!

- Is THAT when you swore? - asks the amazed Priest.

- No, not yet - the man replies.

- As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.

- Did you swear THEN? - asks the now impatient Priest.

- No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.

The Priest sighs:

- You missed the putt, didn't you?!?

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

- This is Chet - he said.

- and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.

Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

- He needs warming up - he said.

- Lend me your cigarette lighter.

The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

- That's fantastic - said the customer.

- And listen to this - said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.

Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

- Wrap him up - said the customer.

- I'll take him!

When he got home he greeted his wife:

- Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.

He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife.

- Now, watch and listen.

He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

- Let me try it - said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

- Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!

Women's English:

- Yes = No

- No = Yes

- Maybe = No

- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

- We need = I want

- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

- We need to talk = I need to complain.

- Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.

- I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

- The same old thing = Nothing

- Nothing = Everything

- Everything = My PMS is acting up.

- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

- I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

- I'm tired = I'm tired.

- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

- You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

- What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.

- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

- What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

- I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

- I love you. = Let's have sex now.

- I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!

- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

- Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

- Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

- (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

- I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
→ You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
→ They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
→ Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
→ When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
→ A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
→ She knows she's given her last blow job.

Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
→ The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
→ The woman who can eat the last two donuts.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
→ Cough, gag, choke, etc.

What did One gay sperm say to another?
→ How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

What's the definition of Trust?
→ Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

How do you find a blonde in long grass?
→ Pleasing!

What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
→ Bingo!

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
→ When the big hand touches the little hand...

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
→ Erection day.

How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
→ The tongue's still in the envelope.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 10 years the job still sucks.

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
→ The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

- And just how would I go about doing that? - he asked.

- It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

- Crap! - exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.

The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

She said:

- Well.. each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box

- And what about the thousand pound? - asked the old man.

- Well... - Replies the woman - Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:

- Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says:

- Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.

- Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back:

- I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says:

- Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?.

- Yeah, my wife...

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
→ Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
→ Have sex once a year.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
→ For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
→ With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
→ Depends on what you're doing with them.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
→ Cause you're fatter then they are.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
→ So what's your question, dork?

Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
→ No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
→ Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
→ Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
→ Yes, baby lips.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
→ Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

What causes baby blues?
→ Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.