Most viewed jokes

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said:

- Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?

- Well - said the farmer - that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.

- That's amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs? - said the man.

- Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead.

- But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs.

- And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.

- Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs? - the man said quite annoyed at this point.

- Well - said the farmer - with a pig that special...you have to eat 'em real slow.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said:

- Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.

- And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct - asked the rejected applicant.

- We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed - said the Department manager.

- And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other? - the rejected applicant inquired.

- Simple - said the Department manager...

- Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
11. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
12. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
13. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
14. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
15. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
16. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
17. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
18. You keep losing dates on left turns.
19. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says:

- Pierre, kiss me!

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

- What are you doing, Pierre? - says the startled Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says:

- Pierre, kiss me lower.

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

- Pierre! What are you doing? - asks the bewildered Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers:

- Pierre, kiss me lower!

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously:

- PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped:

- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:

- Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?

The man said:

- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said...

- Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?

You'd never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day.

He was complaining because he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.

Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less.

After all... torque is cheap.

What do you get when you cross a Rotweiler with a Collie?
→ A dog who bites off your arm and go's to get help.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Ankara!

- Ankara who?

- Ankara went off the cliff!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Ann!

- Ann who?

- Anndromeda Strain!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Armageddon!

- Armageddon who?

- Armageddon getting out of here!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Armenia!

- Armenia who?

- Armenia every word I say!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Asa!

- Asa who!

- Asa-int amongst men!

How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
→ You get a buzzy signal.

What do you get it you cross a porcupine with a giraffe?
→ A long necked toothbrush.