Most viewed jokes

Why did the bank robber take a bath?
→ So he could make a clean getaway.

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one:

- My wife - the man replied.

- I'm sorry - said Dave.

- What happened to her?

- My dog bit her and she died.

Dave was taken aback.

- And who's in the second hearse?

- My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.

Dave asked:

- Can I borrow your dog?

- Get in line.

Yo Mommas so fat that even Richard Simmons makes fun of her!!!!

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says:

- Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny waves his hand:

- Me, miss, me, me!

Teacher says:

- All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny says:

- Mas-tur-bate.

Teacher smiles and says:

- Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.

Little Johnny says:

- No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank.

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed:

- What was that?

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said:

- I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied:

- Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.

Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:

- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked:

- What on earth are you doing?!?!!

The wife turned to the other man and replied:

- See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.

They are:

- Her Doctor; he says - Take your clothes off.

- Her Dentist; he says - Open wide.

- Her Veterinarian; he says - And how is your little pussy doing today?

- Her Gardener; he says - Do you want me to mulch your bush?

- Her Hairdresser; he says - Do you want it teased or blown?

- Her Interior Decorator; he says - You'll like it once it's in.

- Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.

- Her Remodeler; he says - It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.

- Her Milkman; he says - Do you want it in front or in back?

- Her Banker; he says - If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90's

OLD -- NEW

- conservative -- reactionary

- the establishment -- white power elite

- hearing person -- temporarily aurally abled

- sighted person -- temporarily visually abled

- blind -- visually challenged

- mute -- vocally challenged

- deaf -- aurally challenged

- dead -- metabolically different

- alive -- temporarily metabolically abled

- ugly -- aesthetically challenged

- fat -- gravitationally challenged

- heavy-set -- people of mass

- rude -- politically correct

- psychopath -- socially misaligned

- crooked -- ethically challenged

- klutzy -- kinesthetically challenged

- bald -- follicularly challenged

- short -- differently statured

- non-white, non-male oppressed -- white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive

- white male -- oppressor

- black -- african-american

- asian -- asian-american

- afro-american -- african-american

- minority group -- numerically challenged group; under-represented population

- black -- person of color

- Chicano -- person of color

- weird green freak -- person of color

- female -- person of gender

- drooling drunk idiot -- person on floor

- group of blacks -- Under-Represented population of persons of color

- Group of Whites -- L.A.P.D.

- woman -- womyn

- women -- wymin

- girl -- pre-womyn

- man -- oppressor

- boy -- oppressor-to-be

- pregnancy -- parasitic oppression

- janitor -- sanitation engineer

- disabled car -- mechanically challenged car

- dish washer -- utensil sanitizer

- dairy -- where cows are raped

- ranch -- where cattle are murdered

- egg ranch -- where hens are raped

- biology department -- where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialist drug companies

- fishing -- raping the oceans

- farming -- exploiting mother earth

- nhl hockey -- uniformed fascists vying for superiority

- paper bag -- processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80's/90's

- deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged

- blind /sight impaired/visually challenged

- retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged

- queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)

- fat/big boned/alternative body image

Your momma so stupid that when she goes on wheel of fortune she buys a seven!