Most viewed jokes

Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor:

- Do you think I'll live to be 80?

The doctor asked:

- Well, do you smoke or drink beer?

- Oh no - Edgar replied.

- I've never done either.

Then the doctor asked:

- Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

Edgar said:

- No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!

- Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf? - the doctor asked.

- No, I don't - Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked:

- Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?

- No - Edgar said.

- I don't do any of those things.

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said:

- Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?

One day the bass player hid one of the drummer's sticks.
The drummer said:

- finally! After being a drummer for so long, now I am a conductor!

What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
→ The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?
→ Mice cubes!

Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

- Ohhh, it's my girlfriend.

- What's the problem?

- When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.

Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
→ They never stop to ask directions.

What's the definition of a school report?
→ A poison pen letter from the principal.

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said:

- We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?

- Are you kidding? - said St. Peter.

- It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Cherry

- Cherry who?

- Cherry oh, see you later!