Most viewed jokes

What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles?
→ He makes a swish!

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

- How many times can you do this to us in a single game? - he screamed.

- You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game.

- What it comes down to, is that you STINK! - he bellowed.

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied:

- And how do I smell from here?

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
→ Beans on post!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
→ Cornflakes!

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced:

- Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher:

- All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.

What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
→ A runny bunny.

- Rabbit: I got kicked out of my cage for not paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I'm all out of carrots. What should I do?

- Friend: Don't worry; be hoppy!

My horoscope read:

- You're going places and you can't be stopped.

Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.

What is a pigs favourite ballet?
→ Swine Lake!

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said:

- If there's anything you want to know, just ask me.