Most viewed jokes

Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him:

- What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?

- No - Bill replies:

- I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!

- Listen - his friend suggests:

- Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?

Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together.

- So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?

Bill shrugs his shoulders:

- Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends.

- So are you and this girl engaged, yet?

- I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts!

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered:

- If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

- Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in.

- What - he says - are you doing here!?!

The manager calmly replies:

- Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.

The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said:

- You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

- A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments:

- See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold:

- Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.

Again the wife bugs her husband:

- Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale:

- And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells:

- That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:

- Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!

- Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!

- What's come over you?

- 2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pack of cards!

- I'll deal with you later.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!

- I see your point.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pair of curtains!

- Pull yourself togerther man!

- Doctor Doctor - I have 59 seconds to live!

- Wait a minute will ya!

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...

- I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.

- I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).

- I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

- I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

- I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

- I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...

- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

- When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."

- When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

- I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

- I will think of a password other than "password."

- I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

- I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...

- I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says:

- Seven Points.

His wife rolls over and says:

- What in the world was that?

The old man replied:

- It's fart football!

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says:

- Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says:

- Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says:

- What the heck was that?

The old man replied:

- Half-time, Switch sides!

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God:

- God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you.

God nods understandingly and says:

- I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?

The scientist says:

- Sure. What kind of contest?

- A man-making contest - God.

- Sure! No problem - the scientist.

The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says:

- Okay, I'm ready!

God replies:

- No, no, no... You go get your own dirt.