Most viewed jokes

Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Say to the groom:

- Your bride will now expect a mink.

Then to the bride:

- You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Sign in a marriage counselor's window:

- Out To Lunch, Think It Over.

Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.

Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.

Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.

Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.

Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes, hold your nose
Then see how it goes...

The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.

The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

- Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.

Bill replied:

- Well, what's the difference between the two?

St. Peter:

- I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Bill:

- Fine, but where should I go first?

St. Peter:

- I'll leave that up to you.

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

- I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer:

- I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up:

- I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your refridgerator?
→ CHUCK.

A Japanese man went to the eye doctor. The optometrist said to the man:

- Sir, I believe you have a cataract.

- Oh, no - replied the Japanese man. I dwive a Rincon Continentaw.

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.

Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...

- You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"

- You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."

- You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.

- You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"

- You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.

- You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.

- You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.

- You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!

- You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

- You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."

- You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

- You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".

- You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

- You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.

- You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.

- You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.

- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he makes his decision. Which women did he choose? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Have you made your guess? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
He marries........ ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
The one with the largest breasts!

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said:

- There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added:

- And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said:

- You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?

The boy replied:

- Canada, sir.

- Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada? - asked the manager.

The boy replied:

- They're all just whores and hockey players up there.

- My wife is from Canada!!

The boy replied:

- Really?? What team did she play for?

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist:

- Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.

- But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.

- True enough - said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!