Guest
Chicken And Duck
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
→ A bird that lays down!
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Guest
Bath Time Look
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
→ A little bear!
Guest
Not My Dog
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
- Does your dog bite?
- No.
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
- I thought you said your dog didn't bite! - the man says indignantly.
- That's not my dog.
Laws Of Accounting
Laws of Accounting
- Trial balances don't
- Bank reconciliations never do
- Working Capital does not
- Return on Investments never will
Guest
Hurricane And Coconut
What did the hurricane say to the coconut?
→ Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a blow job!
Guest
Trip To San Francisco
Why did the carload of lesbians get to San Francisco faster than the carload of gays?
→ The lesbians got there lickety-split, while the gays where still packing there shit.
Guest
The Dump List
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.
Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?
Guest
Split Personality
- Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
- Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!
Guest
Changing the Light Bulb
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one but the light bulb must want to change!
Guest
The Proposition
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:
- Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?
In a strident voice, she responded:
- How dare you make such a proposition to me!
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled:
- I just asked for the time, miss.
In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked:
- I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!
Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:
- I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.
The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:
- YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!