Most viewed jokes

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself - Is this guy blind or what?

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.

- I didn't even touch you - growls the sheriff.

- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

What do you call a girl with only one arm and one leg?
→ Eileen!

Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired:

- What ever possessed you to study Russian?

The couple said proudly:

- We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.

He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

- Yeah daddy, yeah daddy - said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.

- Say, Pop - said the boy.

- Yes - replied his father.

- The bull just screwed the brown cow!

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.

- Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow.

The father went back inside the house.

After a while the boy came in and said:

- Hey, Daddy!

- Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?

- He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!

What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?
→ A blonde doing cartwheels!

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.

The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:

- Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied:

- Sorry, it's not really your fault.

- Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat!... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he:

- Pardon me, madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off....

- Not so fast - says she.

- How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said:

- He looks like thts - as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

- Oh no, you horrible man - she replied.

- I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed:

- Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

- Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

- Oops!

- Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again?

- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration.

- What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

- Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

- Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California

- With gun in lap: L.A.

- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

- One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

- One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

- Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

- One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

What happened to the two mad vampires?
→ They both went a little batty.