A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car and the car in back of me."
Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling?
→ They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.
- Son, you sure do ask a lot of questions, - said the father.
- I'd like to know what would have happened if I'd asked as many questions when I was a boy.
- Perhaps, - said the boy:
- you'd've been able to answer some of mine.
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says:
- Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said:
- Ma'am did you know you were speeding?
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked:
- What did he say?
The old man yelled:
- He says you were speeding!
The patrolman said:
- May I see your license?
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked:
- What did he say?
The old man yelled:
- He wants to see your license!
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said:
- I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
The woman turned to her husband and asked:
- What did he say?
The old man yells:
- He said he thinks he knows you!
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
- I couldn't help noticing how happy you look - she said - What's your secret for a long happy life?
- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day - he said - I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.
- That's amazing - the woman said - How old are you?
- Twenty-six - he said.
What do you call a monster with a wooden head?
→ Edward.
Recruits were shocked at the language the sergeant used in their unit. During a smoke break one young soldier asked:
- Sergeant, where did you le-arn your language?
- Learnit, hell, it's a gift - proudly informed the NCO.
What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
→ Turkey.
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
