Most viewed jokes

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
→ To see what was on the other side.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It don't matter what you call him, he ain't commin'!

What do elves learn in school?
→ The ELF-abet.

How many reindeer does Santa have?
→ 11 (named below): Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph (the one with the red nose), Olive (all of the other reigndeer) and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).

What nationality is Santa Claus?
→ North Polish

What kind of bird can write?
→ A PEN-guin

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
→ Because it has long distance-runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
→ Beacuse every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
→ Crisp Cringle

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
→ We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you.

What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
→ "OKay everyone, sack time!"

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
→ Missletoe!!!!

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper:

- I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said:

- This gun is perfect for any deer

Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.

Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

- What the hell do you think you are doing? - asked the bear.

- I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again! - whined Fred.

- Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am - explains the Bear.

Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.

All pissed off Fred drives away muttering:

- I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me.

Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.

Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

- I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian, I promise - screams Fred.

- I thought I told you not to come back here again - exclaims the bear:

- now pull down your pants.

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.

Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering:

- That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off

When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper:

- I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful.

The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says:

- This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

- You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (why...a duh!)

- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)

- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure...now they tell me!)

- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)

- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that's just great...now what do I use!)

- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)

- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (he-he... I gotta try this one!)

- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

- On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (hmmm... I think I'll test this one out on my nephews :)

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:

I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10

Why are there only two paul-bearers at a Mexican funeral?

There are only two handles on a garbage can!

A four year old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail."

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line. The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!" The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!" And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad? How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting:

- 28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!

Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks:

- What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??

All the blondes say:

- We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!