Most viewed jokes

Psalm 129

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said:

- Father, remember psalm 129?

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said:

- Father, remember psalm 129?

Once again the priest apologized:

- Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said:

- Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Don't Say This At Funerals

Top things you should not say at a funeral:

- Geez, what died in here?

- He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.

- Nice service...where's the keg?

- When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!

- Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.

- Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.

- You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.

- Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

Florida Crazy Laws

- Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.

- It is considered an offense to shower naked.

- You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.

- It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.

- Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

- If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

- It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

- You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.

- Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

- It is illegal to skateboard without a license.

- A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

- Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

- It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.

- It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.

- It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000)

- Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, ? 28-64)

- Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance - removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense, notice and hearing, lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited.

- Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, ? 20-11)

- The molestation of trash cans is banned.

- Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.

- Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, ?? 1, 2, 8-10-59)

- Jupiter Inlet Colony: Inlet Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.

- Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, ? 8-3 Code 1980, ? 8-3)

- It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

- A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.

- It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.

- Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.

- In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained.

- Sec. 12-23. Registration required, application, transferability, false statements. (a) All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, ? 1, 10-14-97)

- Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances.

- Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.

- You may not catch crabs.

- If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.

- It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.

For The Sick

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

- Mommy, can we leave now?

- No.

- Well, I think I have to throw up!

- Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

- Did you throw up?

- Yes.

- Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?

- I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'.

Officer Fenwick Comes Home

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said:

- Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.

- Certainly, honey - he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise:

- Say - said the druggist - I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?

- Yeah, so? - said the officer.

- Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?