Most viewed jokes

How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent?
→ It speaks in Polly-syllables!

What happened when the chicken ate cement?
→ She laid a sidewalk!

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

When a dirty kid has finished taking a bath, what is still dirty?
→ The bathtub.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?
→ Ok you 2, dont start anything

What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn?
→ Where's Pop Corn?

Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Say to the groom:

- Your bride will now expect a mink.

Then to the bride:

- You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Sign in a marriage counselor's window:

- Out To Lunch, Think It Over.

Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.

Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.

Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.

Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.

Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes, hold your nose
Then see how it goes...

The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.

The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

A woman tells her friend:

- My husband is an angel.

Her friend replies:

- You're lucky, mine is still alive.

Quote from a recent meeting:

- We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Quote from the Boss...:

- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss:

- We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me:

- What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:

- I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!

HR Manager to job candidate:

- I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions.

Quote from telephone inquiry:

- We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

- Well - she said.

- The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

- The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

- The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.