Most viewed jokes

What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?
→ A member of the Rolling Stones says:

- Hey you! Get off my cloud!

The Scot says:

- Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape!

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

- Can I help you? - the madam asked.

- I want Natalie - the old man replied.

- Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...

- No, I must see Natalie.

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

- No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?

The old man replied:

- I am from Minsk.

- Really? - replied Natalie,

- I have a sister who lives there.

- Yes; I know - said the old man.

- She gave me $3,000 to give to you.

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped:

- I don't think that is going to help much, hon?

- Sure it does - he said.

- How else can I can see the numbers!

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself:

- Oh God, I'm doomed!

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out:

- No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again:

- Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed.

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

- Momma, look what I found - the boy called out.

- What have you got there, dear? - his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:

- I think it's Adam's suit!

Top reasons why it's great to be French:

- Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time

- You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs

- If there's a war you can surrender really early

- You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.

- You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries

- You can be ugly and still become a famous film star

- Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride

- People think you're a great lover even when you're not

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in.

- No - replied the man on the roof.

- I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me.

So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared.

- Climb in! - shouted a man in the boat.

- No - replied the man on the roof.

- I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me.

So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof.

- No - replied the man on the roof.

- I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me.

So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God.

- Heavenly Father - he said.

- I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?

God gave him a puzzled look, and replied:

- I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?

Why was the young vampire a failure?
→ Because he fainted at the sight of blood.

What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone?
→ A lot of crackling on the line!