Most viewed jokes

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.

What's delaying the hillbilly space program?
→ Development of a working match.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said:

- You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out.

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

- What did he say? - asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered:

- He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'

It was New Year's Eve ... by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar.

- I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.

The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit.

- Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home.

The drunk protests...:

- N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...

- Tell you what - the bartender says.

- You got any 20 dollar bills on you?

The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies...:

- Y-yeah, I got a few....

The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk.

- There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!

- B-br-brilliant! - the drunk exclaims excitedly.

- Thish jush might w-work!

The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.

- Look at you! You're a disgrace! Look at what you've done to your new suit!

- N-no hunnybunsh - the drunk stammers...

- Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened...

The wife looks in the drunk's pocket and pulls out the money.

- Wait a minute... - the wife says.

- there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.

The drunk reels, regroups, and explains...:

- Wha-wha... Well thass because after he puked on me, he ... he took a crap in my pants!

GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...
   I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....
   I found your cat...
   Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...
   Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
→ "Thanks for the refill!"

Your momma so fat...she fell in love and broke it.

Your momma so fat...shes on both sides of the family tree.

Your momma so fat she broke the family tree.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says:

- I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

- Don't worry - he says:

- I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

- Who is the third rose from? - she asked.

- Oh - says the doctor:

- that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...

He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.

- Oh really? What's it telling you now? - she inquires.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast!