Most viewed jokes

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?
→ Shoot him before he hits the water!

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

- They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! - he cried out.

The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.

However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

- Never mind - he said with a hiccup.

- I got in the back seat by mistake!

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says:

- When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.??????????????????

Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!?????????????????????

The product being advertised is...???????????????????

SEVEN UP!

What do Skeletons say before eating?
→ Bone Appetite.

What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
→ Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
→ He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
→ Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats?
→ They want Gore in 2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear?
→ Decay NY.

Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
→ They're a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to?
→ Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?
→ Scared stiff.

It was dusk time when a man had a flat tire right in front of a mental health hospital. After unscrewing the four nuts of the flat tire, he noticed that a hospital patient is watching him from over a nearby embankment. He managed to step on the hubcap in which he had carefully placed the nuts. To his dismay, the nuts went flying into the grass on the side of the road. So he got on his hands and knees and started searching in vain for the nuts in the semi-darkness.

A few minutes later he heard the mental patient chuckle, so he shouted at him irritably:

- What are you laughing at?

The other guy explained:

- Well, you have three other tires, each of which has four nuts... If you were to take one nut from each, you'll end up with four tires being held in place with three nuts per tire. This should be safe enough for you to drive to the next town over, where you can buy a new set of nuts.

Embarrassed, the poor car driver couldn't help asking:

- How come you're so clever and you're in a mental hospital?

The patient replied:

- I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!

From David Letterman and the Late Show...

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn't Give A Damn

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
11. When people whisper, "Your fly is open," he says, "Yeah, I know"
12. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
13. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he'll say "pancakes" just for the fun of lying
14. He's no longer just fat -- he's now Hugh Rodham fat
15. "Tubby" is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
16. Doesn't even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
17. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as "my lovely wife"
18. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as "the house that dirty pardon money built"
19. Sits in the back of Al Gore's journalism class screaming, "Loser!"

JUST FAUX FUN

- Can you loan me faux dollars ?

- What faux ?

- To buy faux diamonds.

- What do you need with faux diamonds ?

- I have sixteen, but I need faux more.

- Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?

- No, just twenty, not twenty-faux .

- You CAN'T be faux real ! Besides, I don't have faux dollars.

- Thanks faux nothing !

- Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?

- Well, it's faux pas.

- And why does pas need faux dollars ?

- 'Cause Ma SPENT all of his !

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.

(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...

• Was this man-made?
• Do you light it up at night?
• I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
• So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...

• Are the alligators real?
• Are the baby alligators for sale?
• Where are all the rides?
• What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...

• What time do you feed the bears?
• Can you show me where the yeti lives?
• How often do you mow the tundra?
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...

• Did people build this, or did Indians?
• Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
• What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
• Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
• Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...

• How much of the cave is underground?
• So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
• Does it ever rain in here?
• How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
• So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...

• Where are the cages for the animals?
• What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
• Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...

• Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
• How do you turn it on?
• When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
• We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?