Most viewed jokes

What system do they teach in Hamburger High's math courses?
→ The meatric system, silly!

How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
→ She's the one on her bike.

Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
→ They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!

A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones. The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses. So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies. The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says:

- Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought -- I can't figure out how to get started.

Her friend asks:

- What's the puzzle of?

- From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger - replied the blonde.

The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says:

- I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box.

- Why not? - asks the disappointed blonde.

- Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.

How did a blind girl burn her fingers?
→ Reading the waffle iron

Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy?
→ He was celebrating his girthday!

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:

- Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?

- Yup, shore am!

- How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered:

- Ten pounds.

The bartender said:

- Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.

The proud Texas father said:

- Jest had him circumcised!

From Matt Groening's very funny "Big Book Of Hell", here are some philosophical theories shared by youngsters:

If you eat a bunch of fizzies (i.e. pop-rocks or the like) when you drink a glass of water, you will explode.

Dogs and bees can smell fear.

Nothing's impossible. Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the whole world in a fraction of a second.

If you throw a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, it will go a foot into the sidewalk.

There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants.

If you cut open a golfball, the radioactive juice inside will blow up.

Rain is just God peeing on you.

If you die in your dream, you will die.

Adults are really Martians, and they're up to no good.