Most viewed jokes

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

- Who is this incredibly fine archer? - cried the duke.

- I must find him!

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

- You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? - asked the duke worriedly.

- No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.

- That is truly astonishing - said the duke.

- I hereby admit you into my service.

The boy thanked him profusely.

- But I must ask one favor in return - the duke continued.

- You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.

- Well, - said the boy - first I fire the arrow at the tree......and then I paint the target around it.

- "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

- "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

- "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

- "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

- "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

- "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

- "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

- "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

- "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

- "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

- "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

- "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

- "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

- "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

- "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

- "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

- "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

- "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

- "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

- "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."

- "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him:

- Is this what I pay you for?

The manager replied:

- No, sir, this I do free of charge.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said:

- No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.

Why did the alien phone home on his mobile?
→ Because it was so ET!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
→ Hard cheese.

What did the police officer say to his stomach?
→ I've got you under a vest.

If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
→ Coffee.

Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous movie scenes?
→ A stunt ham.

Why did the big pig want to go on stage?
→ There was a lot of ham in him.