Most viewed jokes

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought:

- Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said:

- If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed:

- 157.

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said:

- If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?

How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
→ He has a whale of a party!

What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock?
→ Politics

What do parrots eat?
→ Polyfilla!

- First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours.

- Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done?

- First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said:

- Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?

The bartender quickly replies:

- The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.

Where does a white baby go when it dies?
→ Heaven

What does it get?
→ Wings

What does it become?
→ An angel

Where does a black baby go when it dies?
→ Heaven

What does it get?
→ Wings

What does it become?
→ A Bat!

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice:

- I'd like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man:

- what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?

The man replied:

- I work for the IRS.

Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still haven't seen all of her!