Most viewed jokes

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes:

- Brrr!

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says:

- Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!

The gremlin says:

- Ain't got none!

- Well, I'll cut off yer prick!

- Ain't got one of them, neither. - says the gremlin.

- Well, how do ya pee?

The gremlin smiled and said:

- Brrr!

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

- Jeez - the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

- Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.

- That was nice of you - she says, looking around...

- But where's his wheelchair? (woo-hoo! that's MEAN! :)

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her;

- Don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man:

- I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says:

- No problem!! I buy. I buy.

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man:

- I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France.

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says:

- Okay, okay. I build, I build.

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly:

- Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman:

- Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked:

- What flag is this?

A little girl called out:

- That's the flag of our country.

- Very good - the teacher said.

- And what is the name of our country?

- 'Tis of thee - the girl said confidently.

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud:

- I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.

The clerk behind the counter said:

- Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods.

- Really?

- Yes sir...they're called bullets!

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.

One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.

At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

- My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

- My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

- My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf - taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams:

- Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a shit!

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

- Listen - said the shoplifter.

- I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said:

- This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked:

- Honey, are you feeling all right?

- Not really - the blonde replied.

- I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train.

- Poor dear - Mom said.

- Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?

- I couldn't - she replied.

- there was no one there.