Most viewed jokes

What's the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?
→ When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!

• Make the world your playground.
• Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
• If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
• When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
• Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
• Nap often.
• When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
• Life is hard, and then you nap.
• Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
• Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
• Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
• Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
• Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.

A Dentist says open wide.

A Coal man asks:

- where do you want it, front or back?

A Decorator says:

- how do you like it now that it's up?

A Bank manager says:

- don't take it out you'll lose interest!

Day 1: A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum:

- We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?

Mum replies:

- yes dear

Day 2:

- We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?

Mum replies:

- yes dear

Day 3:

- We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?

Mum replies:

- No dear, it's because your 25.

- 60: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

- 50: Miami residents turn on the heat

- 40: You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming

- 35: Italian cars don't start

- 32: Water freezes

- 30: You plan your vacation to Australia

- 25: Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming

- 20: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South

- 15: French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

- 10: You need jumper cables to get the car going

- 5: American cars don't start

- 0: Alaskans put on T-shirts

- -10: German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink

- -15: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist

- -20: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start

- -25: Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going

- -30: You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start

- -40: Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South

- -50: Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window

- -80: Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South

- -90: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?
→ He could really get into the vaultz.

What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber take the family silver?
→ Time to get a new watchdog.

Why was the struggling manager seen shaking the club cat?
→ To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Why did the little pig hide the soap?
→ He heard the farmer yell:

- Hogwash!

How can you tell that you're getting old?
→ You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!