Most viewed jokes

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says:

- You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.

The cat thinks for a minute and says:

- Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor...

The Lord stops the cat and says:

- Say no more!

Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer:

- All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running...

The Lord replies:

- Say no more!

In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches, yawns, and replies:

- Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!

- You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.

- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.

- Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway

- A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

- Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

- Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

- If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.

- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

- Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.

- Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

- If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.

- Sadly, all men are created equal.

- There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

- adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto

- anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.

- antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.

- bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?

- bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.

- catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)

- cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)

- d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.

- emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how

- fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)

- genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee

- heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1

- hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter

- mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female

- papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy

- recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur

- rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk

- seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.

- series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

- testicles....(n) books of the Bible

- tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call

- urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.

I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said:

- After you.

I smiled at him and said:

- No, please, after you. I have all day.

Then he shook his head sadly and repeated:

- No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months.

After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor".

What did you have for breakfast?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for lunch?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for supper?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?
→ hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said:

- Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, "well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."

The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"

He said, "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!"

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper:

- This man - he announced - called in sick yesterday!

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator:

- Wow - he said - just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!

A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...

Becoming a Real Man!

That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline:

First Year

Autumn Schedule

- MEN 101... Combating Stupidity

- MEN 102... You too can do housework

- MEN 103... PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut

- MEN 104... We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule

- MEN 110... Wonderful Laundry Techniques

- MEN 111... Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.

- MEN 112... Parenting: It doesn't end with conception

- MEN 113... Get a life, learn to cook

Spring Schedule

- MEN 120... How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong

- MEN 121... Understanding your incompetence

- MEN 122... You, the weaker sex

- MEN 123... Reasons to give flowers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

- SEX 101... You CAN fall asleep without it

- SEX 102... Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower

- MEN 201... How to stay awake after sex

- MEN 202... How to put the toilet seat down

Winter Schedule

- MEN 210... The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies

- MEN 211... How NOT to act younger that your children

- MEN 212... You too can be a designated driver

- MEN 213... Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially naked

Spring Schedule

- MEN 220... Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary

- MEN 221... Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary

- MEN 222... Real men ask for directions

- MEN 223... Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay

The top 10 least desirable fortunes in a fortune cookie:

- We know where you live.

- You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

- Everyone's meal today is on you!

- The "special sauce" came from the floor!

- Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

- Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

- A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

- Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.

- See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

- MSG? NO!!

- Ebola Virus....maybe

- If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

- The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.

- Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.

- No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

- Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.

- It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk.

- All places of business must provide a horse water troft.

- No one may wear a bee in their hat.

- All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.

- Musical car horns are banned.

- It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.

- The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.

- Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas.

- Before proceeding through the interesection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehice and fire three shot gun rounds into the air.