Most viewed jokes

Why did the Turtle cross the road?
→ To get to the shell station.

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.

She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon!

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus - Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
11. AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
14. Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
19. Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
25. O.J. Virus - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

Insurance Form Statements...

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

What's long, black, and smells funny?
→ The Welfare LINE!

- Blonde #1: Have you ever read Shakespeare?

- Blonde #2: No, who wrote it?

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories -- the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Food that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

T'was the night before christmas-
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and through down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear
The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money the reindeers all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days- they all are the pits
They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls....

Their arms, legs, and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's
No request for them
They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBM
If you thinks that bad...just picture this
Try holding their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile the parents think I'm wierd
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason
I found me a blonde ...

I'm going south for the season

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
→ "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.