Most viewed jokes

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. - Oh, it's alright. - said the storekeeper.

- I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.

- But, - added the florist.

- I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party. - Well, what did it say? - ask the storekeeper. - 'Congratulations on your new location'. - was the reply.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
→ A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

- You could do worse.

- I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there.

- I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start.

- You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason.

- If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last.

- That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault.

- I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't

- I can go all day without peeing once.

- If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me.

- If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath.

- I won't sue you when you fire me.

- My arrest record is all a bunch of lies.

- Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job?

- I was a sniper in the Army.

- The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me.

- I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner.

- If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to.

- I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there.

- If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off.

- The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think.

- You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!

- If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try.

- When do we eat?

- How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?

- Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was 18.

- I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!

- If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck.

- I don't DO applications.

- If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want.

- This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!

- I won't have to do anything, will I

- If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?

- Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?

- I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?

- I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job...

Why did God give Mexicans a nose?
→ So they'd have something to pick in the off season!

What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?
→ A watchdog!

Why do male deer need braces?
→ Because they have "buck teeth!"

Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
→ No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Are you married?
→ No, I'm divorced.

And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
→ A lot of things I didn't know about.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
→ No.

What was he doing with the dog's ears?
→ Picking them up in the air.

Where was the dog at this time?
→ Attached to the ears.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
→ Oral.

How old are you?
→ Oral.

Do you drink when you're on duty?
→ I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
→ Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!

Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!

Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

- Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love.

The old man replied:

- I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road. The one old man reeled in his line, lain down his pole, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated:

- I didn't know you were that religious.

The other looked at him and said:

- Least I could do, we've been married 42 years!