Most viewed jokes

Why are men like paper cups?
→ They're dispensable.

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
→ It's the one with bite marks on the cap.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
→ Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman pinscher.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
→ Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular:

- Lawyers are horses' asses.

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up:

- Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
→ Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.

- I don't understand, - Cindy complained.

- When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?

Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested:

- Maybe it just saves time.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

- Look, - said one to the other,

- Let's be honest with each other.

- Okay, you first, - replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

- All set back here, Captain, - came the reply,

- except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said:

- Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

- There's a big fire across the street, - the doctor replied.

- We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure.

- Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.

You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
→ A whine cellar.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
→ Both have hearts like stones.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
→ If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.

- Hold it! - says Dummer.

- Why are you throwing all those nails away?

- Because. - says Dum.

- The heads are on the wrong end.

- You dummy! - replies Dummer.

- Those are for the other side of the house!

What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
→ They both wriggle when you eat them.

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

- How are you grandpa? - he asks.

- Feeling fine - says the old man.

- What's the food like?

- Terrific, wonderful menus.

- And the nursing?

- Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.

- What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?

- No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light.

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

- What are you people doing - he says - I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?

- Oh, yes - replies the Sister.

- Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said:

- Hey Sir, what ya huntin?

The man said:

- Ducks.

The Warden said:

- Did ya have any luck?

He said:

- Got 3.

The Warden said:

- Let Me see them.

The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt, smelled it and said:

- This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?

The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said:

- Kentuky duck, got a stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said:

- Canada duck. Stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said:

- Where you from anyway?

The man pulled down his pants and said:

- You're the expert, you tell me!

How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?
→ Put velcro on the ceiling.

How do you get him down?
→ Blind fold two mexican kids and tell them he's a pinata.