Most viewed jokes

- What's the latest dope -- besides you?

- I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.

- You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.

- When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.

- Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

- If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

- You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion now she believes in infanticide.

- I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.

- You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.

- You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it!

- You never strike out blindly you fail in the light.

- They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a parrot with a vampire?
→ It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and said, 'Who's a pretty boy then?'!

What do astronauts wear to bed?
→ Space Jammies!

How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?
→ His lips are moving.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him:

- You need to join the Army of the Lord!

My friend replied:

- I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned:

- How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back:

- I'm in the secret service.

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.

The officer asked:

- Can you describe the person who did this to you?

The Irishman replied:

- That's what I was doing when he hit me.

Why did the little pig try to join the Navy?
→ He loved to sing:

- Oinkers Aweight

Where did the piglets study their ABC's?
→ At a school for higher loining.

What do you do for a pig with sore muscles?
→ Rub him with oinkment.

Why is it easy to break in to an old man's house?
→ Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.