Most viewed jokes

- Mum, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?

- No, dear, what?

- A nice teapot.

- But I've got a nice teapot.

- No you haven't. I've just dropped it.

What do you always get on your birthday?
→ Another year older!

Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday...
the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!

A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head.

- Hmmm - said the doctor. I've no idea what it is.

The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom.

- I'm stumped - said the doctor, but you can try taking these pills.

When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head.

- Ah! - said the doctor, I know what it is. You've got a beauty spot.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

- Doctor, doctor, my baby's swallowed a watch!

- Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?
→ He brought it to school and said:

- An Ape-lle for the teacher!

Why did the gum cross the road?
→ It was stuck to the chickens foot!

Why can't dogs use computers?
→ Because you can't stick your head out of Windows XP

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

- William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?

- Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.

- Wow, fifty dollars! - exclaimed the bride.

- the monks only used to give us an apple...