Most viewed jokes

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

- How are you grandpa? - he asks.

- Feeling fine - says the old man.

- What's the food like?

- Terrific, wonderful menus.

- And the nursing?

- Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.

- What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?

- No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light.

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

- What are you people doing - he says - I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?

- Oh, yes - replies the Sister.

- Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!

You Just Might Be A Redneck If...

- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

- Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

- Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

- You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

- You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

- Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

- The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

- One of your kids was born on a pool table.

- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

- Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

- You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

- You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

- Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.

"None survived the branding."

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankee's game. The row behind them is filed with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and wispers something into the Presidents's ear.

Mr. Clinton pauses then grabs Hilary by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railing! She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obcenities.

The President shakes hands with those near him, getting "high fives". The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said, - "They want you to throw out the "FIRST PITCH!"

Things You'd Love to Say at Work!

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!... Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder ... My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.

The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop:

- Hey! - he said.

- Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?

1. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2. How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11. Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12. The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13. The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
14. Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
15. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice?
→ They use extractor fangs.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end...

- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail, Amen. - she prayed.

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
→ They were really put out.