Most viewed jokes

- I've just come back from the beauty parlour.

- Pity it was closed!

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked:

- What do you have in there, pal?

- A mongoose.

- What for?

- Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.

- But - the friend said - you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.

- That's okay - said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box.

- So is the mongoose.

An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, "What is this... some kind of joke?"

- Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door?

- Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy.

- Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off.

What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?
→ Puff pastry!

What kind of apple isn't an apple?
→ A pineapple.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
→ Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

A guy walks into a store to buy brains. He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost. They saleswoman tells him:

- $5/gram for women's brains, $20/gram for dog's brains, and $100/gram for men's brains.

So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman:

- How come men's brain's are so much more expensive than women's brains or dog's brains?

And the saleswoman replies:

- Are you kidding!?!?!?!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains????

What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some-what amusing and so he goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques.

This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul does not turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days.

At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of the person who's missing. The following conversation follows:

- Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.

- Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.

- Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.

- Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.

- Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes.

- Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.

- Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now you shall be able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass.

- Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?

- Krachevski: Ya! Ya!

- Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you have is CORRECT?

- Krachevski: Most certainly.

- Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure?

- Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone used to greet him as:

- Here comes Jean Paul with the two ass-holes!