Dirty One-Liner Riddles
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
→ We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving
Three words to ruin a man's ego...
→ "Is it in?"
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
→ If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
→ He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
→ Nothing.
What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
What's the ultimate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
How are women and tornadoes alike?
→ They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
→ Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How does a man keep his youth?
→ By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
→ Hair balls.
How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive
What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
→ Come in five flavors
What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
→ Crust
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
→ If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
→ A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
→ By sticking your finger in his honey
What is the ultimate rejection?
→ When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep
What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
→ I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it
What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
→ A blow job with handle bars
What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
→ A mobile sperm bank.
What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
→ All you can eat for under a buck.
What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
→ A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
→ A cherry float.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
→ Beat IT -we're closed.
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
→ To find a tight seal.
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
→ Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
What's the difference between sin and shame?
→ It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
→ She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Why is air a lot like sex?
→ Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
→ He heard the snow blower coming.
Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
→ She's withholding evidence
What's the difference between light and hard?
→ You can sleep with a light on.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
→ Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
→ You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
→ Their balls are just for decoration.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?
→ A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ He wiped his arse on a leaf.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
→ When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
→ A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
→ His wife died.
How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?
→ The cake jumps out of the girl.
How do you recycle toilet paper?
→ Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full up.
What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
→ You can eat your mums apple pie
What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?
→ Mobile phones are for arseholes.
How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?
→ Pick him up and start sucking his dick.
How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?
→ Put a nipple on it.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.
The answer. A cockrobin.
The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.
What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
→ Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?
→ Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.
How is pubic hair like parsley?
→ You push it to the side before you start eating.
Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
→ Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.
What is the difference between women and computers?
→ Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.
What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?
→ Hanson.
What has 4 legs and 8 arms?
→ A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.
Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?
→ Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
→ One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.
What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as a choir boy.
Why do tampons have strings?
→ So you can floss after eating.
What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?
→ Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.
Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
→ They both dig dead peoples holes.
What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?
→ One is a hunt on the course...........
What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?
→ If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.
What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?
→ A blood vessel.
Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?
→ Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
→ A seagull flits along the shore.
What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?
→ A pimp.
What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
→ Michael Jackson's hand.
What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"
→ A blind person with a Rubix cube.
What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?
→ A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.
What should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
→ Wipe it off and apologise.
Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?
→ He cant go into a cubicle alone.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
→ The sex is the same but you get the remote.
What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?
→ odour eaters.
How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?
→ Its not hard.
What should you do if your bird starts smoking?
→ Slow down, and try using Vaseline.
How do you make a dog drink?
→ Put it in the blender.
Why did god put men on earth?
→ Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
→ A pick pocket snatches watches.
What's white and clings to the wall?
→ George Michael's latest release.
What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
→ You cant gargle with sand.