Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"
There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.
All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.
I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.
I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.
At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever........................
Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)
Your so old you have to put your d*ck in the freezer to get it hard.
A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.
He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.
- Wow, my first two wishes have come true! - he yells.
He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.
First, they beat him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies!
The first Genie turns to the second and says:
- You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man?
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
→ A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
- Well, what do you want? - he snarled at the blonde.
- I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello.
- VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
- Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.. type only in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Sing along at the opera.
