A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."
The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening. Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband:
- That's happiness! That's happiness!
But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.
When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him:
- That's a penis?! That's a penis?!
Nowe u two can rite gud!
Howe two rite gud
Frank L. Visco
Vice-president and Senior Copywriter at US Advertising.
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
- Avoid alliteration. Always.
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
- Employ the vernacular.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- One should never generalize.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
- Profanity sucks dick.
- Be more or less specific.
- Understatement is always best.
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- One-word sentences? Never.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Be careful to use apostrophe's correctly.
- Do not use them pronouns as modifiers.
- And never start a sentence with a conjunction.
- ARTERY--The study of fine paintings.
- BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails.
- BENIGN--What yoiu are after you be8.
- CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome.
- COLIC--A sheep dog.
- COMA--A punctuation mark.
- CONGENITAL--Friendly.
- DILATE--To live longer.
- FESTER--Quicker.
- G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
- GRIPPE--A suitcase.
- HANGNAIL--A coat hook.
- MEDICAL STAFF--A Doctor's cane.
- MINOR OPERATION--Coal digging.
- MORBID--A higher offer.
- NODE--Was aware of.
- ORGANIC--Church musician.
- OUTPATIENT--A person who has fainted.
- POST-OPERATIVE--A letter carrier.
- PROTEIN--In favor of young people.
- SECRETION--Hiding anything.
- SEROLOGY--Study of English knighthood.
- TABLET--A small table.
- TUMOR--An extra pair.
- URINE--Opposite of you're out.
- VARICOSE VEINS--Veins which are very close together.
Your mamma is so fat, when daddy told her to haul ass she had to make two trips!
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
- Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
- Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
- Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
- I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
- I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say:
- I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,
Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
- To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too.
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996:
- Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
- Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
- I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements:
- I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school.
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
- Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
- That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:
- I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:
- I've won at every level, except college and pro.
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
- He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:
- We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play. (1992)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:
- He wants Texas back. (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning:
- One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
- But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet. (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:
- I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating. (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:
- It's basically the same, just darker. (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:
- I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot. (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
- I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
- Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject. (1987)
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
