A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:
- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.
- Because, - the man says - I live in a two-story house.
The Judge replies:
- What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?
The man answers:
- Well Judge, one story is...I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said:
- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The eyes said:
- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The hands said:
- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The stomach said:
- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
The legs said:
- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.
Then the rectum said:
- I think I should be in charge.
All the rest of the parts said:
- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.
So the rectum closed up.
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
- Yes, she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know! - he replied.
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! - A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant:
- Take another drink!
But the bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant:
- Take another drink!
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says:
- That boy should have quit while he was a head!
I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.
My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.
What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
→ Fore cyclinder.
I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.
An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.
I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.
Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!
When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.
People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.
A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.
In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there's a sign stating:
- Play like champions today!
There's also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:
- Don't forget your HELMET!
Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs.
- God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?
- Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.
- God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?
- Eve: I feel great!
(Looking at her hand...)
- Woman: Excuse me God?
- God: Yes
- Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?
POOF Man was created.
The Taliban's Fall TV Line-up
MONDAYS:
- 8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
- 8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
- 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
- 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
- 10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
- 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
- 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
- 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
- 9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
- 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
- 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
- 8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
- 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
- 9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
- 10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
- 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
- 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
- 9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
- 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
- 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
- 8:00 - "Judge Laden"
- 8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
- 9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare"
- 9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
- 10:00 - "No-witness News"
JOKESGALORE NEWS FLASH
10 - 29 - 2001:
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.
Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.
Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.
END OF NEWS FLASH
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
- He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once - John explained.
- Ex-Lax won't cure a cough! - Bob shouted angrily.
- Sure it will - John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
- Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!
