Most viewed jokes

What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
→ Wear perfume that smells like beer.

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
A Commuter

Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
The Railroad

Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.

Your truly,
A Commuter

One day a man decided to get a tattoo on his penis, his wife asked where have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.

Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough.

- I know - he said, how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said:

- Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!

- Noooooo! - shrieked the head, Not another hat!

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him:

- What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said:

- This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God:

- What will a woman like this cost?

God replied:

- An arm and a leg.

Then Adam asked:

- What can I get for a rib?

The rest is history...

Two pieces of string walked into a bar and ordered a pint.

- sorry - said the barman - we don't serve pieces of string in here - and with that he threw the two pieces of string out.

Outside, one of the pieces of string ruffeled himself up, tied himself in a loop and went back into the bar.

- Are you one of those pieces of string I just threw out? - asked the barman.

- No - replied the string - I'm a frayed not!

30 things people actually said in court

What is your date of birth?
→ July 15th
What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in the moment of impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
→ Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
→ I forget.
You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

How old is your son, the one living with you?
→ 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
→ 45 years

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

And where was the location of the accident?
→ Approximatly milepost 499.
And where is milepost 499?
→ Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Sir, What is your IQ?
→ Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Did you blow your horn or anything?
→ After the accident?
Before the accident.
→ Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
→ We both do.
Voodoo?
→ We do.
You do?
→ Yes, Voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
→ Yes
Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
→ Yes sir
What did she say?
→ What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Did he kill you?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How many times have you committed suicide?

So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
→ Yes.
What were you doing at the time?

She had three children right?
→ Yes.
How many were boys?
→ none.
Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement?
→ yes
And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
→ I went to Europe, Sir.
And you took your new wife?

How was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
→ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Can you describe the individual?
→ He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?

Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
→ All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
→ Oral

Do you recall the time you examined the body?
→ The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
→ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
→ No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
→ No.
Did you check for breathing?
→ No.
So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
→ No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
→ Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
→ It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said:

- Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered:

- Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.

To the police officer, he then said:

- No, officer; I was not gambling.

The officer then asked the minister:

- Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied:

- No, officer; I was not gambling.

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked:

- Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied:

- With whom?

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
11. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
12. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
13. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
14. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
15. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
16. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
17. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
18. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said:

- I can do better than THAT!