Most viewed jokes

Why did the bus stop?
→ Because it saw the zebra crossing.

I can't understand why people say my girlfriend's legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but they certainly don't match.

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

- Now don't let me ever see your face again - said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

- I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir - said the released man.

- And why not?

- Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!

How do you get a paper baby?
→ Marry an old bag.

A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country.

He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner:

- How much are yer apples?

- All you can pick for one dollar - said the rancher.

- Okay - said the Pennsylvanian.

- I'll take two dollars' worth.

• Dung On MAI Shu - I stepped in excrement
• Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu - Let's sleep together
• Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
• Fat Ho - An unattractive woman
• Ar U Wun Tu - A gay liberation greeting
• Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
• Chow Mai Dong - Romantic proposition
• Dum Gai - A stupid person
• Wel Hung Gai - Is that a banana in your pocket?
• Won Hung Low - Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai
• Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
• Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
• Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
• Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host
• Kum Hia - Approach me
• Lao Ze Sho - Gilligan's Island
• Lao Zi - Not very good
• Lin Ching - An illegal execution
• Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
• Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
• Shai Gai - A bashful person
• Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
• Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
• Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people
• Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.
• Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
• Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
• Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
• Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice

What did the astronaut see in his skillet pan?
→ An Unidentified Frying Object!

- I have some bad news and some very bad news.

- Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

- The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

- 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

- I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:

- Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.

- Never trust a fart.

- Never take a hard-on for granted.

Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
→ When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.