Most viewed jokes

- Doctor, doctor, I think I've been bitten by a vampire.

- Drink this glass of water.

- Will it make me better?

- No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied:

- Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps.

Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
→ For spare parts.

- SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three candles for your party?

- PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one candle.

A monster walked into the council rent office with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other.

You see, he was $15 in arrears.

- Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?

- How about a few pounds of pig manure?

- Will that cure my baldness?

- No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice you're bald.

What vegetable needs a plumber?
→ A leek.

There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.

When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.

He went over to the fisherman and said:

- You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you.

The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.

- Out of curiosity - the coastguard asked.

- What did it taste like?

The fisherman replied:

- Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.

Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says:

- Hmmm, this person looks familiar.

The second blonde says:

- Here, let me see!

So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says:

- You dummy, it's me!

What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison?
→ One can't see to go, the other can't go to sea.