Net News - The Vatican has no gone on line with its own interactive website.
The site is said to offer meany great new features including a downloadable picture of Jesus Christ which will bounce around your screen after a preset length of time.
It has been christened the 'screen saviour'........
Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly:
- Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war... could you help me?
- Of course, my son - Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively:
- Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability!
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
- What's it about? - he asked.
- I don't know - she replied. I can't read.
Why did God give man a penis?
→ So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
→ Its Braille for "suck here."
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
→ They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
→ They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 5 years your job will still suck.
How is a women like a condom?
→ Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What's the difference between a '90's woman and a computer?
→ A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person:
- How much are the washer and dryer?
- Five dollars for both of them - the salesman said.
- Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me! - the man replied sarcastically.
- No, that's the price - the salesman said.
- Do you want to buy them or not?
- Yeah, I'll take them! - the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.
- How much? - he asked.
- Five dollars for the system - the salesman answered.
- Is it stolen? - the guy asks.
- No - said the salesman.
- It's brand new, do you want it or not?
- Sure - the customer replied.
He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.
- How much?
- Five dollars - was the familiar response.
- I'll take that too! - the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him:
- Why are your prices so cheap?
The salesman said:
- Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
- What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds:
- I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.
An Irish boy put his hand up and said:
- It was St. Patrick.
The teacher said:
- Sorry Sean, that's not correct.
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said:
- It was St. Andrew.
The teacher replied:
- I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said:
- It was Jesus Christ.
The teacher said:
- That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2.
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said:
- You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.
Marvin replied:
- Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
- What's the matter, dear? - she whispers as she steps into the room.
- Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up.
- Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17? - he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
- Yes, I do - she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
- Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?
- Yes, I remember - says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues...
- Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'.
- I remember that too - she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
- I would have gotten out today!
