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Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

- Hi. Now you say something.

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." beep "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!

- Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

- Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

- Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

- This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

- Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

- Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

- If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

- You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

- You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

- Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.

He fell asleep, and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off his tail, he look around to see what happen and the train cut off his head.

Do you know what the moral of the story is?

Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail !!

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
→ Tits Go In Front.

A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.

The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window.

- Do you want a screwdriver? - she asked.

The chauffeur shrugged:

- Might as well, - he said, I can't get this bloody hub cap off!!!

What do you call an eternity?
→ Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
→ Toes Go In First

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
→ You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
→ Oh, look, Daddy....doughnut seeds!

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
→ Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
→ They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
→ It has a stamp on it.

Why can't blondes dial 911?
→ They can't find the 11 on the phone.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
→ Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer?
→ There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said:

- Oh, look at the dead bird.

The blonde looked skyward and said:

- Where? Where?

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
→ You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
→ Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
→ Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
→ They drowned during spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
→ Duh! Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
→ Tell her a joke on Tuesday.

Why are blonde's boobs always square?
→ Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation:

- What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?

- Land mines - replied the Kuwaiti woman.

A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced:

- This is soup made with matzoh balls.

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to:

- Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it.

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.

- That was delicious - he said, but I was wondering...

"Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order: A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David. After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said:

- I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads:

- Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!

A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.

He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar. After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's doing.

And the guy replies:

- I'm hunting you idiot... can't you see that!

- OK, OK... - says the barman.

- Would you like a drink while you hunt?

Immediately the hunter says:

- Do you have any cheap Gin !!?

Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies:

- No I'm sorry I'm all out of the cheap stuff is there anything else you'd like?

- No - says the hunter and he starts to leave.

As he reaches the door the barman calls after him:

- Btw pal... exactly what do you hunt?

- I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot! Couldn't you tell that - I'm a BarGIN Hunter!

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:

- Lead us not into temptation - she prayed

- but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.

And one particular four-year old prayed:

- And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.

A little boy was overheard praying:

- Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service:

- And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?

One bright little girl replied:

- Because people are sleeping.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered:

- If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough:

- You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.

- Why? Who's going to stop me? - Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church & said:

- See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson:

- If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'.

Kevin turned to his younger brother & said:

- Ryan, you be Jesus!

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

- Daddy, what happened to him? - the son asked.

- He died & went to Heaven - the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment & then said:

- Did God throw him back down?

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked:

- Johnny what is the matter?

Little Johnny responded:

- I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese:

- Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name....