Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
→ Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
→ Not enough cement.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
→ Another lawyer.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
→ The vulture eventually lets go.
- Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
- Person 2: Why do you say that?
- Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
- Well, - said the general - we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge.
A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said:
- you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said:
- you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows:
- Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.
God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said:
- And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
→ The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another:
- Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?
- Really? - the other replied:
- Why did you switch?
- Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
